Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

I’m feeling frustrated. My dad is home and I am very happy about that. But he is afraid to move and is not being proactive about his health care. He had surgery on May 5th, over 21 days ago and hasn’t called the surgeon to have his staples removed. I told him to look at his discharge papers but of course he didn’t. I feel like I am being a nag. "Dad you have to eat." "Dad you have to get off of the couch and move your body." "Dad you have to call the doctor." ect… ect …. He counters with things like, I can’t eat that much anymore, or I’m tired, or I can’t drive because I have staples. Of course his discharge instructions didn’t say anything about him not  eating, moving or driving. In fact he has a physical therapist that visits and tells him the exact same thing I’ve been telling him for weeks "you have got to move your arms and legs." You must move it or lose it. He has lost so much weight and muscle tone. The cancer is winning, if not in his body it has already defeated his mind. He has it in his head all these things he can’t do, yet when he first got diagnosed he kept moving, going places doing things. His motto was "I’m not dead yet!" Now it is like he is waiting to die. I’ve asked him if he wants to get a second opinion, or go to the Cancer treatment center of America. All he wants to do is sit on the couch and let the television watch him.

Today he visits the oncologist and hopefully restarts chemo soon. I think he is depressed, I know I would be, but I feel like he has given up, like he is waiting to die. He won’t even use the computer, or go to church. I don’t know what to do. This morning he yelled at me that he couldn’t read the discharge instructions, and of course I yelled back "Don’t get mad at me I am only trying to help." I didn’t mean to yell. I’m tired and cranky and worried beyond belief. I don’t want to lose anyone else. I feel like crawling under the covers until this storm blows over, unfortunately as the main caregiver and bread winner I don’t have that option. I haven’t written a word on my two wip in months. I feel like a failure as a mother, daughter, wife, writer, you name it.

Lexi

5/26/10

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